Working Through It

Noting the effects that a debilitating case of chronic lyme disease can have on job performance while dealing with a recent relapse of symptoms.

It was a busy morning, busier than usual which says a lot because where I work, it's always fairly busy. I heaved up the big wheels of the Toyota Tacoma and mated them to their hubs starting at the right front and working my way around the vehicle. I partially threaded the lug nuts onto their respective studs, zipped them tight with my impact gun using a hundred pound torque stick so as to not over tighten or strip them. I clapped the center caps back over the hubs and set the oversized tires to their correct air pressure, lowered the vehicle and swung the lift arms out from underneath it. As I was leaning over with my torque wrench to ensure that the wheel lugs were tightened precisely, there were streams of sweat leaving lines down my forehead through the dust and dirt that clings to me whenever I'm in that shop. The ever so prevalent dust and dirt clings to everything in there because of the mud that cakes up inside the wheels and undercarriage of most vehicles in Vermont. When you drop the wheels to the ground or remove the skid plate from under the vehicle, the dried mud often gets loosened up in a cloud of dust. It's no wonder my laptop keeps crashing with all the grit that it breathes... and I guess the same goes for me.

Despite the eighty-plus degree temperatures in the garage this time of year I felt cold and shivery. There was a constant pressure in my head like a C-clamp was tightened against my temples. My joints were on fire, (especially my back, knees and elbows) and my hands could hardly squeeze tight enough to hold onto the tools I was working with. The pervasive fumes of gasoline, used engine oil, internal combustion exhaust, burning rubber and brake cleaner was inescapable. I removed my earbuds just in time to be attacked by the loud "GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAT" of my neighbor's air chisel repeatedly cracking against the steel of whatever he was working on in the bay next to me. The entire shop was filled with the clamor of loud power tools, machines, engines, laughter, curse words and a few different radios playing a few different songs all at once. As I adjusted to the noise without my ear protection it sent a shiver over my body like nails on a chalkboard times a thousand. My neck twitched and my right shoulder tightened causing the side of my head to collide with it. There was a wave of unpleasant energy building up inside me that could not be dispersed or stored. I cringed intensely. My hands began rocking on my wrists and my arms shook violently and involuntarily. "God help me through this, I have to get out of here" I whispered and walked towards the closest, open overhead door to escape from the uproar. Although it was fairly overcast that day the light of the outside world hit me like a wall of blindness. All I could see was white. My eyes watered and the C-clamp tightened up a little harder.

I found my way to my car and sat there with the windows open, contemplating my next move. I still had a few unfinished repair orders to complete and I knew there was certainly more work waiting for me after that. Just a few months prior I was complaining about not having enough work. As flat rate technicians, we get paid by the job's book hour, not by the hours worked, so no jobs meant no pay. I had been working in the used car department doing necessary service and repairs on the pre-owned vehicles that were going to be sold but the winter months had caused a heavy lull in the amount of trade-ins and used vehicle purchases at the dealership. Apparently the HR department had found my resume on a job search forum and gathered that I was exploring employment options at other businesses. Our service manager noticed the extreme drop in my flagged hours and asked if I wanted to fill an opening he had in the service department where they maintain the customer's vehicles. My current supervisor at that time kept promising that it was going to pick up and get busy again but I wasn't sure if I could wait any longer. After weeks of contemplating the offer while sitting at my bench without any work and noticing all the action in the other building, it seemed like a wise choice to accept the proposition. Unfortunately the manager at the used car shop wasn't kept in the loop and was surprised when I was suddenly switching departments. I was under the impression that our service manager was communicating with him all along but apparently my decision to move had thrown him off a bit. Ironically, a week after I switched, business started picking up again in his department. If only foresight could match up with hindsight I probably would have stayed where I was.

So there I was now under the pressure of customers waiting for their much needed vehicles, more intensive diagnostic duties and service advisors to answer to who were doing their best to schedule the work and sell additional services amidst the chaos. It was a whole different ball game but I had been there before and was aware of the differences when I made the choice to join this team. I didn't anticipate that these health issues would return. Stress is a big factor in the onset of my condition although there are many factors and triggers involved. It can be a very complex illness.

Years prior I was diagnosed with lyme disease. The levels of antibodies in my blood work showed that I likely have had it for a long time. Looking back on my past, it explains a lot of the struggles I went through as a child. I remember a period when my knees were swollen, unexplainably stiff and painful. I was a very active kid and was often getting hurt attempting various stunts or maneuvers so my parents just assumed I had jumped from an unreasonable height or fallen off my bike or skateboard. We were part of the Christian Science religion who didn't see regular doctors or seek medical attention unless it was something that was life threatening. The only true healing was said to be found through prayer and reading the spiritual lessons in The Bible and The Science And Health With Key To The Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy - a book written by the founder of that religion. I recall trying to explain that the injury in my knees happened out of nowhere and I remember a woman at church telling me it could be a potassium deficiency and that I should eat more bananas and pray. I hated bananas. Anyway, the bacteria that causes lyme disease was only discovered in the early seventies so during the mid eighties it's symptoms were not something most people knew to look out for. In my early and pre-teens I had a lot of trouble with my memory as I did my best to keep up with my schoolwork. Brain fog is a treacherous thing because you know that you know things but just can't seem to access them from your mind when you need to. Teachers thought I was lazy and I would get very tired during class. I was constantly being reprimanded for not completing assignments and I really struggled with math.

Well, from 2019-2021 I went through many prescribed rounds of heavy antibiotics but my condition was still worsening. It was nice to finally have a diagnosis explaining some of my struggles but the struggle wasn't over. I quit my job as an automotive tech and began working with an audio video company that offered a much more flexible schedule. This helped me work around my condition but was a drastic cut in my income. I would sometimes have what they call "psudo-seizures" where my body would twist, convulse and collapse but I was conscious during the episodes and aware of what was happening. Sometimes they were very violent and I would wish they were full on seizures so I wouldn't have to remember it. Because the antibiotics weren't working I explored a more naturopathic approach which was helping tremendously. The seizures didn't completely stop until I escaped the stresses of a difficult, abusive living situation but that's a story for another chapter. Although these issues would come and go to a lesser extent, I had managed to get through over a year without symptoms and thought that this trouble was finally over, I thought I had put the rigors of Lyme Disease behind me..... Until now.

Because I had recently changed primary care providers I was placed on a waiting list and couldn't be seen by a doctor for another two months at least. These symptoms and feelings were all too familiar and I knew exactly what I was dealing with. "I have to find an LLMD (lyme literate medical doctor) and I should probably see a neurologist" I thought to myself as I sat in my car trying to decide if I should push myself to keep working. I was googling “what to do when lyme is affecting work performance” and decided I should at least go to a walk in clinic and see if I could get a referral to someone who understands this illness. There's still a lot of controversy among the medical community when it comes to chronic lyme disease and some doctors refuse to use that term at all. Many of them will only recognize it as "post treatment lyme syndrome" and often claim that the symptoms are merely psychosomatic. They say that once you take your correct doses of doxycycline the disease is gone and any symptoms you experience after that are either in your head or they are an immune disorder caused by your body's leftover antibodies and reactions to fighting off the bacteria from before. Anyone who has dealt with these persisting symptoms first hand will tell you that it is very real, not psychosomatic. There are doctors who actually understand that this can be a lasting disease but they're not so common and they are often very hard to find covered under your health insurance. The truth is, the bacteria can protect itself inside a biofilm and go dormant until conditions are just right and they reactivate, coming back out to feast on your soft tissue. You think you're better, let your guard down and then have another surprise relapse. Once you start treatment again your body can have a bad reaction to the toxic, dying bacteria which will make your symptoms increase. In essence, after a flare up, you have to get worse first in order to get better.

I noticed that there was only 20 minutes until lunch so I parked the truck I was working on, returned the keys and repair order and went to let management know I would be going to see a doctor. Both the manager and assistant manager were extremely busy with customers and the sensitivity to the noise, light and fumes was increasing as I walked back through the busy shop. The C-clamp tightened even more. There were corkscrews in my brain. I texted my manager to let him know I was having issues and that I would be taking a long lunch to get medical attention. Then I clocked out, got in my car and drove to the clinic. The kind nurse took my vitals and listened sympathetically to my concerns, then let me wait a little bit for the doctor. I was slightly nervous about telling him I have chronic lyme disease because I have been judged, shrugged off and told that it must be something else by a few different doctors before. He was nice enough about listening to my attempts at describing my symptoms although words cannot really be found to accurately depict what I was experiencing. He explained that he can't give any referrals and that all he can do is get a blood sample to help speed up any lab work that may need to be done in the future. He did seem to think that there could be another issue and didn't seem to be very serious about lyme disease. " Here we go '' I thought but he was genuinely concerned about my well-being and didn't belittle or invalidate my experience like others have in the past.

While leaving the clinic, after my blood was drawn and my paperwork written I received a text from the assistant manager at work reading,

" Hi Chris. Can you please see me as soon as you come back from lunch? Thank you. I have a guest that has been here for a few hours. Thank you "

At that point I was very hungry so I hurried up, ate some snacks in my car and headed back to work. When I arrived at her office she seemed fairly dismayed at my absence. Apparently there had been a customer waiting since nine am for a job I had diagnosed last week that was scheduled to be performed that morning. The repair order hadn't been dispatched to me in part because of the distractions I was facing throughout the morning. The customer was upset to have been placed on the back burner. The supervisor was frustrated with my leaving early for lunch and returning late. She was firmly explaining the importance of communication when my manager came in and let her know that I had communicated it with him and that it wasn't my fault. To her credit she deals with a lot of stress throughout the day and this situation was most likely adding to other frustrations. I didn't take it personally and have been dealt with much more harshly by other supervisors in the past. In my opinion, she handled it well considering the situation.

The manager and I sat in his private office to talk about my health problems and how they relate to my work performance. He listened intently while other employees came to his window trying to get his attention. I felt validated, heard and understood. My mind flashed back to other times when previous employers were not so sympathetic to my condition and treated me like I was just lazy and making excuses. I was very grateful that there was an understanding being formed this time. He called in the shop foreman who is responsible for dispatching all the jobs to us technicians and we worked on a compromise that should hopefully work best for everyone. I explained that I'd be willing to go back to the used car department or assume a different role within the dealership but he assured me that he'd rather keep me where I am. He explained that he is happy with my overall performance and wants to do everything he can to accommodate me in my current position. The foreman agreed to make sure my capabilities are taken into consideration and assign me work that isn't as pressing for time to help reduce the neurological triggers associated with stress management. They both agreed that I could take the afternoon to rest and told me to let them know if I need time off the following day. We discussed how dealing with this illness has drained me of all my paid time off and missing work would cause a significant impact in my income. It will be difficult trying to make ends meet but I'm just grateful that I'm able to maintain employment through this endeavor. It's reassuring to know that for the most part, the company cares about my health and isn't in a hurry to replace me.

In summary, working through Lyme is difficult, but to anyone else having a similar experience working with any illness I will say, just keep trying and always be upfront with your employer. I know it's embarrassing to be underperforming and it can feel shameful to not meet expectations. Instead of trying to keep it a secret, instead of trying to push yourself and make matters worse, just let them know why you're having trouble. They're going to notice a dip in your performance eventually either way so it's better that they know about what you're experiencing instead of making assumptions about your character or habits. It's better to step down with honor and clear understanding if that's what's necessary, rather than being judged, labeled and let go for false assumptions about your situation. Remember that you're all in my constant prayers, I have the absolute faith that remission can last and healing can be permanent. I'm sending you all my love, respect and support. May God bless you always! Thank you for reading.